3 tips to help kids persevere
Daily challenges that children face range from navigating illness, trying to make friends at a new school, struggling to understand a new concept or skill, or experiencing deep grief from the loss of a loved one. As a parent, it can be tempting to solve our children’s problems and remove the stressors from their lives. Although it might sound like the best way to protect our children from the emotional rollercoaster caused by the challenges life brings, solving their problems doesn’t provide them with the skills they need to cope.
At times, it feels like the status quo for grown-ups is to tell children what to do instead of empowering them to use their critical thinking skills to navigate life’s hardships. Fortunately, we can be intentional about the way we discuss the challenges and changes life brings and instill a mindset of perseverance to support our children in gaining the skills they need to thrive. Use the three tips below to support your child in developing resilience and confidence amidst adversity.
Tip 1: Disrupt perfectionism
Although normalized, perfectionism teaches us that we should strive for high expectations and standards above everything else, including our wellness, family, and friends. Perfectionism shows up in our society through unrealistic beliefs about grades, performance, lifestyles, external appearances, income, material things, and more. Much of perfectionism stems from a sense of control, wanting things to be a certain way because it makes us feel safe, or we want to be like the people we see amplified in social media, television shows, and movies. Unfortunately, perfectionist tendencies can wreak havoc on children when doing their best isn’t enough and it can cause a decline in their health and mental health.
One way to disrupt perfectionism in your home is by showing children it’s okay to make mistakes, take risks, and move through hardship and rejection. Verbalizing when this happens might feel really vulnerable at first, but over time, these conversations will become normalized. Here are a few examples of ways we can disrupt perfectionism in our daily lives.
Embrace risk-taking, mistake-making dinner conversations.
During dinner or after dinner, set aside time to share risks and mistakes you made during the day.
For example, you might share a work-related example, such as, “At work, I was really excited to share a new idea about a project. After I shared, I realized that what my boss was looking for was a little different than what I previously thought. Even though I need to come up with new ideas, I’m proud of myself for taking a risk and putting myself out there.”
Alternatively, share a more common mistake, such as, “I made a grocery list for myself but forgot it at home. That’s why I forgot the milk for tomorrow’s breakfast! This mistake allows me to get creative with what we’ll eat tomorrow. Do you have any ideas?” Encourage children of all ages to help problem solve and come up with solutions.
Another idea is to create a “Risk-Taking” basket and encourage family members to write down a risk or mistake they made and place it in the basket. For younger children, have them draw a picture or have them verbally explain their risks/mistakes and dictate for them.
Read books that illuminate being perfectly imperfect. Reading books together in the evenings, or getting cozy on weekend mornings, is an activity that fosters relationships with children of all ages. It reminds us to slow down and allows us to use examples from the book to foster conversations with our children about persevering through challenges and developing a growth mindset. A growth mindset occurs when we believe our intelligence and abilities can improve with effort and strategies. On the contrary, a fixed mindset is when we believe that our intelligence and abilities can’t be altered and we’re “stuck.” A fixed mindset can lead children and grown-ups to feel like we need to prove ourselves over and over again.
For children in elementary school
Beautiful Oops by Barney Saltzberg. This colorful and engaging book teachers children that every mistake is an opportunity to make something beautiful.
She Persisted: 13 American Women Who Changed the World by Chelsea Clinton and Alexandra Boiger. Introduce your children to thirteen women throughout United States history who have spoken out for what’s right, even when they had to fight to be heard.
What Do You Do With a Problem? by Kobi Yamada. This charming story explores what to do with a problem. Even more, it teaches children how to persevere through challenges.
Together We Swim by Valerie Bolling. Learning how to swim can be scary. But with a parent’s steady arms, a determined boy finds his groove. This story is a great one for kids afraid of trying something new and making mistakes.
Impossible Garden by Melina Mangal. A beautiful story highlighting the power of imagination and perseverance in bringing the vision of a community garden to life.
For children in middle/high school
Amal Unbound by Aisha Saeed. This powerful book teaches us that despite many setbacks, we can form unlikely alliances and continue to fight for change. A beautiful testament to resilience, loyalty, and tenacity. Recommend for 6th grade and up.
Before the Ever After by Jacqueline Woodson. This book explores how a family moves forward when living through a crisis, and a child makes sense of a new relationship with his dad as they navigate a traumatic brain injury. Recommend for 6th grade and up.
Concrete Kids by Amyra Leon. This story is about Amyra’s life as a daughter of a single mother who falls into the foster care system. It’s a powerful book that empowers teens to speak out against injustice and dream beyond our circumstances. Recommended for 8th grade and up.
How it All Blew Up by Arvin Ahmadi. This book features a gay Muslim teenager born to a conservative immigrant family. Throughout the book, Amir grapples with his identity and experiences intense moments of conflict. It’s a powerful story about resilience and discovering who you are. Recommended for 9th-12th graders.
“One way to disrupt perfectionism in your home is by showing children it’s okay to make mistakes, take risks, and move through hardship and rejection.”
Tip 2: Teach your child(ren) to trust themselves
When children make mistakes or experience failure/rejection, it can be difficult for them to keep putting themselves out there. For example, if your child has a hard breakup with a friend or partner, studies really hard for a test only to get a bad grade, or doesn't get accepted to the college they wanted to go to, their mind machines might focus on all the things they did wrong. Their internal voice might repeat phrases like, “I can’t do anything right” and “Why should I even try?”
As grown-ups, we’ve experienced adversity in our own lives. Hopefully, as we age, it becomes easier to offer compassion to ourselves when we experience challenging times, but let’s be honest, we can also get swept away in the negative self-talk spiral! Teaching your children to trust themselves begins with modeling trusting yourself when times are hard. Here are a few ideas.
Model self-trust. Use positive self-talk to affirm your decisions, effort, and problem-solving skills. For example, if you get lost while driving, instead of becoming frustrated, you might say, “It looks like I made the wrong turn! That’s okay. Let’s stop here at this farmer’s market and take a little pause. The pause will help me breathe and drink some water so I can figure out how to get to the beach!”
Encourage decision-making. One way to teach children to trust themselves is by creating a home where their opinions and choices are valued. For younger children, examples include allowing them to choose their clothes or pick out an activity to do together. For older children, involving them in important family decisions, trips, and conversations about their future is a way to foster self-confidence and show them that their ideas are valued.
Set goals. Children of all ages benefit from goal-setting when we praise their effort and process rather than just the outcome. Younger children might want to pass a swimming test, or learn how to ride a bike, while older children may express interest in trying out for the dance team, or raising enough money to go on a special class trip. Encourage your child to write or draw their goals and reflect on their progress, breaking larger goals into smaller, more “bite-sized” goals that allow them to take one step at a time.
“One way to teach children to trust themselves is by creating a home where their opinions and choices are valued. ”
Tip 3: Normalize change
Change is ubiquitous in life. It’s constant, and shows up daily. From caring for aging grandparents, to navigating the loss of a job, it’s impossible not to feel overwhelmed by change as grown-ups. Children of all ages can experience fear around change. As children move into different developmental stages, their bodies, emotions, and understanding of the world changes in big ways. New friendships emerge, and old friendships end. Things that used to be hobbies are no longer fun. Moving to new towns and meeting new teachers can elicit feelings of anxiety.
Help your child see that change is a natural part of life, and that all living things change and grow. Provide examples in nature (e.g., life cycles of plants and animals) and invite your child to reflect on how their experience with change is similar to the over eight billion people on Earth, and even more, all sentient beings. Normalizing change and helping your child keep perspective will support them in developing the flexibility and resilience they need to shift to a plan B (or C) instead of getting stuck on what they thought would happen or unfold. Over time, your child will become more comfortable with change because their body has a memory and remembers all the changes they’ve been through.
The science behind these recommendations:
April Brown (M.Ed) is a Trauma Informed Specialist and Peer Support Facilitator who advocates for teachers and students through inclusive curriculum development, educator wellness coaching, and teaching university courses. Formerly, April taught and held leadership positions in mainstream and alternative settings in the United States and internationally. She’s passionate about exploring how to disrupt structures that perpetuate systems of oppression and address unbalanced power dynamics at home and school so children thrive. She lives in Vermont with her young daughters, husband, and charming rottweilers. April is currently earning her MSW in Advanced Clinical Practice at Columbia University and a curriculum intern at Making Caring Common.
