5 tips to help children become better listeners
We’ve all been there: Your child is standing in front of you (or sitting at the same table, or in the same car) and you’ve just repeated yourself for the fifth time. They’re less than two feet away, but they haven’t heard a word you’ve said. Or maybe they have heard what you’ve said, but they’re still scrolling through their phone.
Listening is a fundamental skill that’s essential for success in school, in relationships, and in life. Unfortunately, many children struggle with listening. They may interrupt, tune out, or simply not pay attention. If your child has difficulty with listening, don't worry—there are things you can do to help. Below are five research-based tips for helping kids become better listeners. These tips focus on developing three key listening skills: body language, focus, and expressing empathy.
Are you an educator? Try our Listening Deeply strategy for the classroom.
“...make eye contact, give them your full attention, and avoid distractions. Put down your phone. Turn off the TV.”
Set a good example. Children learn by watching the adults in their lives and let’s face it—we could all probably work on our own listening skills. If you want your child to be a good listener, it's important to model good listening behavior yourself. When your child is talking to you, for example, make eye contact, give them your full attention, and avoid distractions. Put down your phone. Turn off the TV.
Demonstrate positive body language. Your body language can communicate how well you’re listening—or not listening. Make sure your child understands the difference between body language that shows they’re listening to someone and body language that suggests they’re tuning out. Ask your child a question and demonstrate both types of body language while your child answers to help them really see the difference. Ask them what they noticed and what made them feel heard. Positive examples of body language include eye contact (or looking at their picture or the camera when communicating virtually), nodding, and facing forward or toward the speaker. Negative examples include slouching, turning sideways of the person speaking, keeping their arms crossed, or facial expressions that communicate disapproval or disgust (e.g., eye rolling).
Show focus. Is your child truly listening to what someone is saying, or are they waiting for their turn to speak? Talk with them about the importance of paying attention by “tuning in” to the other person’s feelings and perspective. This can allow a listener to minimize distractions and their inner dialogue of thoughts and judgments. Positive examples of showing focus include saying “mm-hmm” at appropriate times, repeating key words mentally for reinforcement, avoiding thinking about a response while the other person is speaking, and avoiding distractions (e.g., side conversations, phones or other devices). Negative examples include looking at your phone while someone else is speaking, looking away, thinking about something else (or yourself!), interrupting the speaker with your own thoughts or stories—even if they’re related to the topic.
Paraphrase what your child says. This is a great way to show your child that you are listening and that you understand what they are saying. To paraphrase, simply repeat back what your child has said in your own words. For example, you could say "So, it sounds like you had a hard time with your math test today." You can also validate feelings by saying, “I could sense that you felt…is that right?” and “I can understand why you’d feel...”
Praise your child for good listening. When your child listens well, be sure to give them positive feedback. This will help them to understand that good listening is something that you value. You could say something like "I really appreciate you listening to me so attentively."
“When your child listens well, be sure to give them positive feedback.”
The more your child sees the adults in their lives engaging in active listening and practicing active listening without being in a two-way conversation, the more they’ll come to value showing interest when someone is speaking, trying to understand their thoughts and feelings, and making them feel heard.
Posted by Alison Cashin, Director of Communications
