3 ways for families to manage stress
Caring for ourselves and our children is a stressful job. From the number of decisions we make each day, to navigating work, health, and schooling, a parent’s to-do-list is neverending. Even though experiencing stress isn’t enjoyable, it’s important to remember that everyone experiences stress. Exploring ways to better understand and manage your stress can strengthen your connection and relationship with your child.
During adolescence, children’s brains are maturing. According to Gene Beresin, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Mass General Brigham, preteens and teenagers are in a perfect storm because they are aware of everything going on around them and more invested in different issues. For example, new strains of COVID, school shootings, LGBTQ+ rights, racism, friendships, climate change, and their family’s financial needs are all topics teenagers stress about.
With the increasing demands of families and teens in today’s society, it’s important to find ways to manage stress as a family so it doesn’t become intolerable. What causes us stress is often outside of our control, but how we manage it is something we can control. The three tips below provide a starting point and can be adapted to fit the needs of your family.
“What causes us stress is often outside of our control, but how we manage it is something we can control.”
Tip #1: Learn about stress and how it impacts us
Although you might hear phrases like, “I’m so stressed out!” from your teenager multiple times throughout the week (or day!), it’s important to take the time to check-in about stress so you can understand where the feelings of stress are coming from.
Stress is completely natural, but taking the time to connect with your child can provide you with more information about the situations, relationships, and thoughts that increase stress in your child’s life. Although it can be tempting to solve our children’s problems and remove stressors from their lives, this doesn’t provide them with the skills they need to cope.
Instead, focus on the tips below, listen deeply to your teenager, and ensure your teen knows you are there as a sounding board to help them navigate challenges. Tips for listening deeply include:
Staying off your phone during conversations
Practicing non-judgement
Allowing for moments of silence
Showing you care with your body language (e.g., facing your child, making eye contact if it's comfortable for you and your child, etc.)
Restating/paraphrasing your child’s words
Stress is a common human experience, but it’s important to discuss what stress is (and isn’t). Here are some key discussion points:
Stress is a natural and normal response to everyday pressures.
Stress can be caused by a lot of different things and essentially, it’s your body’s response (cognitive, emotional, and/or physical) to an internal need or feeling (hunger, thirst, hormonal change, etc) or to an external situation (pressure, threat, danger, etc). Stress is a natural part of life!
When our brain detects stress, it responds by making stress hormones, which cause sensations in our bodies like a rapid heart rate or breathing, sweaty palms, shaky knees or other mildly uncomfortable sensations.
If you or your child are experiencing chronic stress (stress that won’t go away), trauma (stress that results from deeply disturbing or distressing experiences), or anxiety (persistent worry and fear), it’s important to reach out to a mental health provider or school counselor/social worker that can support you and direct you toward resources.
Certain stressors, like discrimination, prejudice, and racism, need more attention and support. Reach out to people in your community like mental health providers, teachers, and advocates to learn more about ways to stay empowered while advocating for your needs.
It’s also important to learn about the impact of stress on the body and mind. Discuss the following emotional, cognitive, and physical signs with your child, and reflect on times when stress has impacted you in one of the categories. Invite your child to add additional signs that aren’t noted below. For example, you may feel warm in your neck and face when experiencing stress.
Emotional signs: Moodiness, irritability, anger, feelings of overwhelm, nervousness, feeling on edge
Cognitive signs: Difficulty concentrating, difficulty making decisions, struggling to remember and learn
Physical signs: Faster heartbeat, faster breathing, sweaty hands, shaky knees, dizziness, headache, fatigue, insomnia, muscle tension, and nausea
“Although it can be tempting to solve our children’s problems and remove stressors from their lives, this doesn’t provide them with the skills they need to cope. ”
Tip #2: Create a stress bucket
When it feels comfortable and natural for your family, come together and watch this What is Stress? video. Make connections to the information you previously learned about stress and pause the video to reflect on any questions or concerns your child might have. Practice listening deeply (see tips above) and validate what they share.
Next, spend some time creating your own stress buckets:
Think about what stressors might fill your stress bucket. Journal and/or draw pictures to show examples of the stressors.
Example stressors include (but are not limited to):
Academic stress - time management, getting good grades, getting into college, pleasing teachers and caregivers
Social Stress - peer pressure, friendships, bullying, people pleasing, feeling safe in your identity
Family Stress - financial hardships, strained sibling relationships, marital problems, illness, unrealistic expectations, disconnection
World Events - climate change, politics, natural disasters, war, school shootings, scary news, systems of oppression (e.g., racism, ableism, classism, etc.)
Compare and contrast your buckets and discuss how different people in every family experience different stressors depending on their age, responsibilities, past experiences, family history, culture, and individual coping styles.
Reiterate that we all feel stress, and that it is a normal part of life. Elaborate again that even though we can’t control the stressors in our lives, we can control how we manage them.
Tip #3: Explore coping skills
Coping skills help us navigate our emotions and feel less overwhelmed and more balanced. When we utilize coping skills, we “empty” some of the stress in our stress buckets, helping us become more present with the world around us. We all have moments of feeling overwhelmed, or dysregulated, by intense emotions and but we don’t need to cope alone. It’s important to remind yourself (and your child) that you can always reach out for support if the stress is increasing or interrupting your daily activities.
The five categories below are just some examples of coping skills. Depending on your background, culture, and prior experiences, you might find other types of coping skills helpful. If there is an additional category of coping skills that you think would be helpful for your child, add it in. Invite your child to think of other examples to add in each category.
Understand: Think through and better understand your thoughts, emotions, and feelings in difficult moments. Examples include: talking to someone you trust, writing your worries down then throwing them away, and journaling. The Circles of Control tool can also be used to cultivate problem solving skills and help your child manage challenges.
Distract: Choose to take a healthy break from whatever is causing you worry, sadness, or another difficult emotion. Examples include: watching a funny TV show, making art, or hanging out with friends.
Move: Move your body to reduce the intensity of an emotion. Examples include: playing a sport, going for a jog, walk, or bike ride, or dancing and participating in yoga.
Ground: Use your five senses to help you feel more present. Examples include: taking a shower or bath, splashing cold water on your face, or doing a deep breathing exercise.
Connect: Tap into your support systems and spend time in community with others. Examples include: calling a friend, spending time with family, or connecting with a faith-based or spiritual community.
Learn more about the coping skills above by heading to this comprehensive list. The coping skills listed are adapted from Coping Skills for Kids. Check out their website for more information on practicing coping skills with younger children.
Posted by April Brown, M.Ed. April is a Trauma Informed Specialist and Peer Support Facilitator who advocates for teachers and students through inclusive curriculum development, educator wellness coaching, and teaching university courses. Formerly, April taught and held leadership positions in mainstream and alternative settings in the United States and internationally. She’s passionate about exploring how to disrupt structures that perpetuate systems of oppression and address unbalanced power dynamics at home and school so children thrive. She lives in Vermont with her young daughters, husband, and charming rottweilers. April is currently earning her MSW in Advanced Clinical Practice at Columbia University and is a curriculum intern at Making Caring Common.
