3 ways to understand and manage our emotions
The emotions we experience influence the way we interact with the people we love. As adults, many of us haven’t had the time (or support) to explore our emotions or build healthy coping strategies. Due to busy schedules, dealing with grief, trying to support our family’s financial needs, and so many other challenges that we experience as parents, understanding and navigating our emotions can fall to the bottom of the to-do list.
Research shows that emotional intelligence—the ability to understand and navigate emotions—plays an important role in parenting and can lead to better social-emotional outcomes for children, including better emotional regulation and stronger relationships.
Before we can effectively support our children in working through intense emotions, it's imperative to take the time to understand our OWN emotions. Our emotions influence our thoughts and beliefs and they can lead to healthy or unhealthy behaviors. For example, if we experience feelings of frustration because we are running late to work, we might think, “I’m so disorganized! I need to get it together!” This may influence our interaction with our child, and instead of saying, “I love you” before sending them out the door, we may snap at them instead.
Certain interactions with our children also may remind us of unhappy memories from our own childhood, which can lead us to parent from a reactive state instead of from compassion. This is often because many of us haven’t had the opportunities or guidance to build healthy patterns. The good news is that we can better care for ourselves and our loved ones by spending time understanding and navigating our emotions.
The three tips below can help you and your child understand and navigate emotions. We all have different needs and lived experiences so use the tips you like and make changes that work best for you and your child.
“Research shows that emotional intelligence—the ability to understand and navigate emotions—plays an important role in parenting and can lead to better social-emotional outcomes for children, including better emotional regulation and stronger relationships. ”
Understand your emotions
Before we can respond to emotions in healthy ways, it’s critical to take the time to notice how and where emotions show up in our bodies. This is a wonderful and easy activity to complete with your teenager. Make sure to first do this during a time when you’re feeling pretty well-regulated and not experiencing very intense or challenging emotions. This will help you and your teenager learn the process so you can use it when you need it in the future.
Print out copies of the Identifying Emotions in Your Body worksheet or draw your own body map.
Complete the worksheet together, supporting each other if you get “stuck.”
Think of an emotion you feel often, that you have felt this week, or that you are feeling right now. Then answer the questions below.
What made you feel this way?
What was the intensity of the emotion? How do you know?
Where in your body did you feel it?
Mark areas on the worksheet or body map. Be as specific as you can! Examples include (but are not limited to):
Your heart surrounding by wavy lines to illustrate a pounding heart when feeling nervous;
Butterflies in stomach when preparing to give an important speech;
Redness and warmth on chest and neck when feeling embarrassed about a mistake that happened.
Compare/contrast your finished worksheet with your teen’s worksheet.
Discuss what you noticed about the activity. Were any parts challenging?
Commit to coming together to explore your emotions once or twice a week. Consider setting a goal to reflect on your emotions throughout the week through journal and body mapping, and create a Sunday ritual where you explore your findings together.
There is no right/wrong way to do this – simply trying out the practice together and being vulnerable is the gift!
Remember that over time, this practice will become a habit. It will help you and your teenager recognize and respond to your emotions better so you can choose healthier ways to move forward.
If you speak multiple languages, try integrating your home languages and cultures into this exploration. Compare and contrast the different words you’d use to express your emotions and the intensity of the emotions across languages. Reflect on how emotions are expressed in your family and whether that’s the same or different from what you notice in books, television shows, and movies. Have a conversation about how people who have different lived experiences and identities (e.g., languages, cultures, religions, gender identities, etc.) may express their emotions in different ways. For example, different cultures may have distinct norms and values around how to express one’s emotions (e.g., internal vs. external displays).
“If you speak multiple languages, try integrating your home languages and cultures into this exploration. Compare and contrast the different words you’d use to express your emotions and the intensity of the emotions across languages.”
Dive deeper into your emotions
Words like angry, sad, frustrated, and lonely are common when describing our emotional states, but more complex words like anguish, avoidance, and disconnection might not be part of our everyday vocabulary. Growing our emotional vocabulary allows us greater insight into the complexity of our emotions and also provides us with a window into the needs of those around us. Even more, this practice allows us to acknowledge that all emotions are okay; there are no “good” or “bad” emotions and it’s natural and healthy to experience many emotions throughout the day.
Here are some tips to get started:
When it feels natural/comfortable, describe how you are feeling to your teenager. Use your understanding of how emotions show up in your body (see previous tip) to model paying close attention to your physical sensations to determine which emotion word best fits your current emotional state. This will help your teenager feel more comfortable sharing their emotions with you as well. Emphasize that there’s no “right” or “wrong” answers. For example, you might say, “Today, when I had a meeting with my boss, I felt really warm in my face and neck. Looking at The Feelings Wheel, I think I felt insecure and anxious because I made a mistake with unloading products for the store last week.”
Print The Feelings Wheel and place it in a visible place in your home (e.g., the refrigerator, a wall in the kitchen, or a favorite family gathering area).
Set aside time to reflect on your emotions from the day or week and use The Feelings Wheel to elicit emotion vocabulary you may not use otherwise.
Reflection questions might include, “Did you experience any intense emotions today that you’d like to check in about?” and “Has The Feelings Wheel help you understand yourself better? Why or why not?”
Include different words/phrases that describe emotions across the languages you speak. Compare and contrast the similarities and differences.
Encourage conversations about emotions by watching videos, podcasts, and reading books together. Always watch, listen, or read through the premise of the books before sharing them with your teenager since you know their needs best! Ideas include:
Videos:
Podcasts:
TedTalks Kids+Family (podcast)
MentalMusic (podcast)
Books:
Drama: A Graphic Novel by Raina Telgemeier
American Born Chinese by Gene Luen Yang
Invisible: A Graphic Novel by Christina Diaz Gonzalez and Gabriela Epstein
This Poison Heart by Kalynn Bayron
In Limbo by Deb JJ Lee
Acknowledge that all emotions are valid. This can be difficult for those of us who may have been taught to bottle up our emotions or only express ourselves if it was “polite” or “convenient” for others. However, we should work to help our teen understand that we all experience a wide range of emotions and they are all natural and okay. Teaching our teens (and younger children) that there are no “good” or “bad” feelings can support their resilience and improve social-emotional outcomes.
“Teaching our teens (and younger children) that there are no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ feelings can support their resilience and improve social-emotional outcomes.”
Reflect on your needs
As a caregiver, it’s important to put your oxygen mask on first so you have the emotional capacity to support others. You may notice that you’re running on autopilot most of the day and don’t often have time to check in with yourself. Here are some simple tips that you can modify to support your wellness.
Validate your emotions. We can take care of ourselves by accepting our emotions and experiences as parents. Some ways to validate our emotions include paying close attention to our self-talk and the ways our inner critic shows up during difficult times. Accepting our emotions allows us to figure out healthy ways to cope instead of just pushing our difficult emotions away.
Practice coping strategies. Think about times throughout the day/week when you can practice coping strategies. Coping skills are tools you can use to help you feel less stuck in intense emotions, including journaling, movement such as walking or biking, connecting with others, and more. This is a proactive way to support the health of your mind and body. Examples include:
Understand and process emotions: Taking time to understand our emotions helps us put things in perspective, gather our thoughts, and problem solve. Some ways to understand and process our feelings include journaling, creating art or poetry, or connecting with others to gain perspective.
Mindful moments: Instead of scrolling through your phone in the morning, take a moment to connect with your body and heart by gently breathing for a few minutes, intentionally taking slower and deeper breaths. You can try guided breathing activities, such as finger breathing or box breathing as well. Another idea is to eat lunch mindfully, paying close attention to the tastes and sensations you experience instead of eating quickly.
Microdose of nature: Set aside 10 minutes in your day when you can find a pocket of time to take a walk outside. Tune into your senses by paying close attention to what you see, hear, smell, and feel. Paying attention to the world around you can get you out of your “mind machine” for a moment and help you remember that we are all interconnected.
Movement breaks: While making dinner, turn on your favorite music and have a dance party. Research shows that “music can turn on feel-good hormones while stimulating the brain’s reward centers, and dance activates your brain’s sensory and motor circuits.” Encourage your child to join in!
Connect with friends and family: Relationships are central to our mental health because they help us stay regulated even when things are challenging. Dedicate a day during the weekend to call a friend or family member you haven’t heard from in awhile, or send them a letter. Encourage your child to participate!
Navigating and understanding emotions is a challenging but rewarding journey. By taking the time to understand and dive deep into your emotions, you can help your teen develop resilience and self-awareness. Even more, prioritizing your needs allows you to model emotional wellness and provides your teenager with self-awareness tools to navigate the ups and downs of adolescence.
The science behind these recommendations
Posted by April Brown, M.Ed. April is a Trauma Informed Specialist and Peer Support Facilitator who advocates for teachers and students through inclusive curriculum development, educator wellness coaching, and teaching university courses. Formerly, April taught and held leadership positions in mainstream and alternative settings in the United States and internationally. She’s passionate about exploring how to disrupt structures that perpetuate systems of oppression and address unbalanced power dynamics at home and school so children thrive. She lives in Vermont with her young daughters, husband, and charming rottweilers. April is currently earning her MSW in Advanced Clinical Practice at Columbia University and is a curriculum intern at Making Caring Common.
