How to talk to young people about romantic relationships
Let’s talk about love.
Loving and being loved can be one of the most meaningful parts of life. But Making Caring Common research suggests that many teens and young adults are unprepared for caring, lasting romantic relationships and are anxious about developing them. And although “the talk” about sex is the stuff of legends and sitcoms, parents, educators, and other adults often fail to provide young people with guidance when it comes to love.
The good news is that most young people appear to want this guidance from the adults in their lives. In research included in our 2017 report, The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment, 70% of the 18- to 25-year-olds who responded to our survey reported wishing they had received more information from their parents about some emotional aspect of a romantic relationship, including “how to have a more mature relationship” (38%), “how to deal with breakups (36%), “how to avoid getting hurt in a relationship” (34%), or “how to begin a relationship” (27%).
In addition, 65% of respondents to our survey of 18 to 25-year-olds wished that they had received guidance on some emotional aspect of romantic relationships in a health or sex education class at school. Yet school-based sex education tends not to engage young people in any real depth about love or about how one develops a caring, healthy relationship. Most sex education focuses narrowly on abstinence or on “disaster prevention”— how not to get pregnant or contract sexually transmitted infections.
Beginning these conversations with teens and young adults can be hard. Below, we’ve outlined five guideposts to help you get started.
Talk about love and help teens understand the differences between mature love and other forms of intense attraction. Many parents may not see it as their role to provide guidance on romantic relationships, might not know what to say, or might feel hobbled in these conversations because of their own romantic failures. But relationship failures can generate as much wisdom as relationship successes, and all adults can distill their wisdom and share it in age-appropriate ways with teens and young adults. Adults and teens together might think through questions at the core of learning how to love and develop healthy relationships: What’s the difference between attraction, infatuation, and love? How can we be more attracted to people the less interested they are in us? Why can we be attracted to people who are unhealthy for us? How do you know if you’re “in love?” Why and how can romantic relationships become deeply meaningful and gratifying? How do they contribute to our lives? How can the nature of a romantic relationship and the nature of love itself change over a lifetime?
Guide young people in identifying healthy and unhealthy relationships. Adults can help teens identify the markers of healthy and unhealthy relationships. They might ask teens, for example: Does a relationship make you— and your partner—more or less self-respecting, hopeful, caring, generous? What are some examples of healthy and unhealthy relationships in our own family and community? In television and film? What makes these relationships healthy or unhealthy?
Go beyond platitudes. Almost all teens know they’re supposed to be self-respecting and respectful in their romantic and sexual lives; what many teens don’t know is what these kinds of respect actually mean in different romantic and sexual situations. Adults can identify for teens common forms of misogyny and harassment, such as catcalling or using gender-based slurs. Sharing data about the high rates of misogyny and harassment can help crystallize the problem (MCC’s report is a good source for this data). Adults can also discuss with teens various examples of caring, vibrant romantic relationships, including relationships in books, television, and film that show how thoughtful, self-aware adults deal with common stresses, miscommunications, and challenges, and can use these examples to explore with teens the capacities and skills it takes to develop and maintain a healthy, energizing romantic relationship.
Step in. It is imperative that parents and sex educators proactively address healthy relationships with young people and that parents and other adults intervene when they witness degrading words or behavior. Silence can be understood as permission.
Talk about what it means to be an ethical person. Helping young people develop the skills to maintain caring romantic relationships and treat those of different genders with dignity and respect also can help strengthen their ability to develop caring, responsible relationships at every stage of their lives and to grow into ethical adults, community members, and citizens. Adults can support young people in becoming ethical in this broader sense by connecting discussions about romantic and sexual relationships and misogyny and harassment to ethical questions about their obligation to treat others with dignity and respect, intervene when others are at risk of being harmed, and advocate for those who are vulnerable.
You can read our full report and find more resources for guiding teens and young adults in developing healthy romantic relationships, including guides and prompts for some of the conversations suggested above, on the Making Caring Common website.
